It’s probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do: Tell a couple you’ve never met that you want them to raise your unborn child. You’ll know something about them after reading their adoption profile or “Dear Birth Mother” letter. But you won’t know everything.
Here are some tips to help you choose adoptive parents for your child — and what to do before, during and after you make that phone call that could change your life forever. Got a tip you want to share about how to connect with hopeful adoptive parents? E-mail it to us any time at info@canadaadopts.com.
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Remember that if you’re still struggling with your decision regarding your child’s future, there are many people and professionals you can turn to for advice. You have options. It’s important to know what they are.
Don’t
Rely on a hopeful adoptive parent for advice regarding your decision. And if you do, don’t expect them to be very objective.
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Keep in mind that all of the waiting parents in the Adoption Profiles are vulnerable and anxious to become parents. They’re all 100 per cent committed to the adoption process. Before you call them be sure that you are as well.
Don’t
Forget that you can’t just hand over your baby to the first set of potential parents you contact. Adoption is a legal and social process, and you’ll need to satisfy certain criteria prior to placing your child with them.
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Figure out when and how to break the news of your decision to the child’s father and your family. If they hear the news from someone else, it could make your decision that much more difficult to accept.
Don’t
Forget that once you choose a set of parents for your child they will be responsible for covering all of your counselling costs — and the birth father’s — whether you go ahead with the adoption plans or not.
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Remember that you may be getting your potential adoptive parents at a bad time. Make sure they can talk freely, otherwise be prepared to call them back.
Don’t
Treat your first conversation as anything more than a “get-to-know-you” chat. There’s nothing that says you have to call them again and there’s nothing that says you don’t.
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Understand that the prospective parents you’ll be calling may have been waiting for years for your call. As a result, they’ll be anxious and nervous. Try not to make any snap judgements, especially after only one conversation.
Don’t
Let yourself be blinded by what they write in their letter. The fact that they have a nice house or a pool doesn’t mean they’ll make good parents or, more importantly, that they’re the ones for you.
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Have a list of questions ready by the phone covering the key issues. With so many things to go over, you don’t want to get sidetracked.
Don’t
Be shy about asking them questions about anything that wasn’t covered in their letter. Also, make sure that what they tell you gels with what they’ve written.
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Be prepared to be asked a lot of personal questions. They’re not doing this to pass judgement on you. They just want to make sure you’re confident with your decision. They went through a similar process themselves once, so they know how it feels.
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Forget that the more involved you get with a set of waiting parents the harder it will be to break away down the road.
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Be open and honest. If there’s something they should know that will affect their decision or the way they plan to raise your child, tell them now. Later may be too late.
Don’t
Feel pressured to say or do anything that compromises your principles. If you’re uncomfortable with their line of questioning or feel that they’re not treating you with the respect you deserve, let them know.
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Speak to more than one couple. It will help you feel more secure about the one you’ve chosen.
Don’t
Worry if the first couple you contact isn’t a good match. Eventually, you’ll find one that is.
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Remember that if you don’t want to give out your name or phone number, you don’t have to.
Don’t
Accept any money or rewards from any couple you speak to. Doing so could jeopardize the approval of the adoption.
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Try to avoid speaking on behalf of the birth father, unless he specifically tells you to do so.
Don’t
Lose sight of the fact that although you can check out other prospective couples, you can’t get involved with more than one set at a time.
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Try to speak to both partners. While you may find the woman easier to talk to, you should have a few conversations with her partner to make sure they’re both in sync.
Don’t
Jump into any situation until you’re ready. Assess the situation one conversation at a time and, in the early stages at least, set aside a time to contact one another in the future.
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Try to educate yourself about the adoption process now, while things are still manageable, rather than wait until it’s too late.
Don’t
Be put off if the waiting parents you choose seem old and have more in common with your parents than with you. Upon speaking to them, you may decide that their age is nothing more than a state of mind.
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Keep in mind that no matter which couple you deal with, your child’s interest — not theirs or yours — should always come first.
Don’t
Expect most people to understand what you’re going through. There are, however, many people who have made the decision you have and would be happy to discuss it with you.
